Asexual Sexuality or “Who Am I?”

Mood:Laughing
Listening To: Ledisi
Notes: I’d pass you one but I think the substitute will take it and read it in front of everyone. I hate that.

Note: This has been re-posted.  It was originally written on September 6th, 2007.

So I found this place called Pulpit Pimps, and I’ve been reading a lot of stuff there about Juanita “Magic Socks” Bynum, Bishop “Beat-em-Down” Weeks, and Paula “Lease an Angel” White among other folks. Can anyone tell me why Christians are so gullible sometimes? I mean, I love the Lord, but bet me money and see if I’d relocate myself and my family to another state to work for a specific pastor. On top of that, why are so many of “God’s Greatest” moving to Texas? I’ll take No-Tax State for $500, Alex.

I mean, can we seriously just agree that the money is corrupting some of these people? I just… if anyone has anything encouraging to say about this, please say it, because I think I’m becoming jaded. Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh… Pulpit Pimpin…

But, onto my job… my lovely, lovely job.

Without fail, the question I have people ask me most often is, ” How does it affect your relationships?”

So because I’ve had that question asked so often, I’ve decided to answer a bit of it. The full answer is entirely too lengthy, and as you all know, I already have trouble with my verbose nature.

Lately I’ve been exploring the fact that I have literally no desire for anything sexual. It’s been this way for a while, and the truth is, I don’t even notice it anymore. At first, maybe a year ago, I wondered why I had no drive, and now, it’s just part of my life. There was one person who I had desire for, but as our relationship ended, I find myself not really wanting to get into anything else… with anyone.

Which makes me like… The Sexiest Asexual person ever. No really, they called me yesterday, they want to give me a trophy that has the title engraved on it. I’ve heard it’s pretty shiny though, so I’m excited about that.

I mean, when I think about it, I talk about the most disgusting things a person can think about on a daily basis… I equate it to people who work at fast food restaurants: People say that when you work at a fast food joint, the last thing you want to eat is fast food. I think it goes without saying what the last thing I want to eat is, even though part of me wants to say it anyway.

I mean, does it take away from my life? Not really, because I don’t engage in casual sex anyway and I’m not in a relationship. Truth be told though, when I was in a relationship, the first year of my life that I did this job, our romantic life suffered horribly. I still feel bad to this day, that I wasn’t able to be intimate with him, but when I thought about it, I just couldn’t bring myself to be with him.

Why? I don’t really know. It could be that I wasn’t able to compartmentalize very well, or it could be that I was just disgusted with guys for a while. I think both of those are true in a way.

Especially when I was working for the No-Taboo line, I didn’t trust anyone. I mean, the thing about that job was, the traffic on those lines was unbelievable. There were rarely times where I would have more than one minute between calls, and 95% of the calls were from guys who belong on To Catch A Predator. After hearing guys of all ages, ethnicities, occupations, and tax brackets talk about how they leer at the kids getting on the school bus, it can make a girl distrust most people.

I don’t know how he feels, but I think our love life was definitely more active at that time, and I’ll explain that right now.

After my first month of working, when I realised that I just could not get those guys out of my head, I finally happened upon the thought of replacing experiences. By that I mean that instead of thinking about those guys after I logged out of work, I’d call my significant other and talk with him about our sex life, we would have some good clean adult fun on the phone, and after we finished, I’d think about that for the rest of the night.

Often, I’d call him and simply say, “Can you talk to me? I need some normalcy,” and he’d know exactly what I meant.

For the first three months I worked on that line, I refused to talk to any family or friends except my S/O. I couldn’t look at them, or talk to them on the phone especially. I mean, think about it, 5 minutes ago I talked to a guy who wants to do it with his mom, and then mine calls? I don’t want to think about all that, but when it’s pushed onto you over and over and over for 10 or 12 hours straight, just saying the word “mom” brings up some things that most people with normal sexual desires don’t want to think about, at all.

So yeah, I don’t want to have anything to do with sex at all. Tell you the truth, I don’t feel bad about it either.

I’m sure I’ll have more to say about this at a later time, for now, I bid you adieu.
-Geisha